I’ve lived through tragedy. It’s not been easy. I’ve experienced the whole range of emotions related to the grieving process, including depression, melancholy, and especially guilt. Here is my experience of one unique, much needed moment, when I miraculously transcended despair, and moved into a space of healing…
I cry… I cry so hard I loose control completely. Slobbering at the mouth. Tears pouring in streaks down my cheeks and neck. Red, crinkled face. My physical body diminishes from consciousness, as I slide into the vast emotional realm of pure existence. I can’t know anything; I can only feel everything. I have no recognition of my physical body, other than the intense pain I feel in my heart, as it breaks wide open.
The love that was once encapsulated within my heart, is no longer available to feel… Because all I am able to experience is the tumultuous shift from guilt, to the immense agony of sorrow.
And I let it flow. I let it move through me. I let it be.
In this trans-like state of complete physical, mental, and emotional surrender to sorrow, my mind is racing with painful thoughts. Truths… Blame… Once my mental thoughts have exhausted themselves, my mind becomes silent. I still have no physical recognition, beyond my wounded heart, and my emotions have collapsed in the presence of honesty. I’m left with silence, and it is in this silence, I hear the voice of truth. The voice of love. The voice of my intuition.
My intuition said to me: “As much as you can feel agonizing sorrow, you can feel profound love. As much as you can feel tremendous guilt, you can feel gentle compassion. As much as you can feel fierce rage, you can feel soothing forgiveness. Your intentions are good. You are a being of light. You are a being – a human being. Forgive yourself. Nurture compassion. Be love.”
Eventually, I regain recognition of my existence. With a fresh inhale, my attention is once again able to distinguish between my emotional body and my physical body, as I’m reunited with self awareness.
A certain knowingness is accessible, as my emotional body has expressed itself entirely.
This knowingness is comforting. It’s calm and kind. It’s present because my emotional blockage has been released, and through that I’ve received truth, clarity, and a blessing to heal.
The thing about a breaking heart, is that when we allow ourselves to feel the break, we feel it break wide open. And when the heart is open, it can receive and transmit love. The love which my heart once contained, has permeated beyond my body. I’ve released the sorrow, and yes, the love too. Yet they still absolutely exist within me, both the sorrow and the love. They always will. They exist within the depths of my soul as I experience life, and it’s many shifting emotions.
My emotional body is like the vast, majestic ocean; where both joy and pain collide as the waves on the surface, while love and sorrow coexist as the steady underlying current.
The ocean that is my emotional body, is reliably constant, yet consistently fleeting. And so I breathe…
After the unexpected release of my emotional blockage, and encountering my intuition, I felt… freed. Freed from my guilt. I felt empathetically okay. As if I hadn’t realized it in a very long time, I sensed wholeheartedly that life is beautiful. I immediately understood, without words, that love and sorrow, and joy and pain, they are not independent of one another. They too (and all emotions) are dependent, in that one can not exist without it’s polar emotion. And in that, even sorrow is beautiful like love.
So, don’t deny yourself sorrow.
While experiencing sorrow, we are experiencing love.
See the beauty in life. Move with intention. Absorb the sunshine on your face. Feel the wind move the hairs on your body, as they tickle your skin. Most importantly, surrender your heart to compassion, and forgive, for you are a being of genuine love.